I’m cutting back on my anxiety meds, from the already-low “trial dose” I’ve been on for the last year or two to half that. I’m pretty sure they don’t even make pills in the size I’m now taking. It’s weird that I need that tiny bit of medication every day to feel normal, but thems the breaks.

And I’m sticking to it this time. I’m in therapy now (the free kind the school offers, but still) and an anxiety-and-stress group (also at school). I don’t feel like I’m making much progress in either of them so far: I’m not sure my therapist understands why I’m there, and none of the people in my group are like me (i.e., physical symptoms for no apparent reason).

I’ve been keeping a chart of my moods and all that, as my therapist recommended, and that’s going okay. It’s given me an excuse to track my weight, which is something I’ve been planning to do for a year but had never gotten around to doing. The goal of the chart is to help me figure out why I get sick, so I can make it stop without meds. But because I’ve been on the meds the whole time, I haven’t been getting sick, so the chart hasn’t produced any great insights so far. The only times I’ve felt sick are in the couple of days leading up to getting on a plane, and when Sam woke me up in the middle of the night to go poop and I was all disoriented. No surprises there.

And that’s why I’m cutting my dosage, to induce the sick feeling so I can try to figure out what triggers it. The dosage changes are supposed to take a week or to to take effect, but I’ve only been cutting back for two days, and I first noticed an hour ago that I was feeling a little unsettled. Finally, some data for my chart! A change in the dependent variable!

I am also reminded that the sick feeling sucks. When I’m not sick, it’s easy to visualize myself handling it with grace. When I am, it’s a different story. Anyway, it’s manageable so far. Let’s see if I still think so in a week, when the levels of whatever-chemicals-this-regulates in my brain have dropped to their new normal.

Over the last few months I’ve stepped my Lexapro dosage down to 5 mg per day, which is less than the 10-mg test dose doctors first prescribe to make sure you don’t have a bad reaction.

I think, though, that I’m going to have to ratchet it back up to at least ten. I’ve been getting dizzy spells about every other day in the last week or two, and I feel like I’m extremely sensitive to anxiety triggers. Right now, for instance, I’m in Space Law listening to a presentation about all the disasters that have occurred on space missions. It’s interesting, to be sure, but I feel like I’m about to pass out. I know I won’t actually faint, but, as always, it’s unnerving.

As far as I can tell, this regression is mostly due to my having to get on four planes about a month from now. I’m flying to Nashville to see my brother graduate, then to Canada with John for vacation. Consciously I feel semi-okay with the plane thing, enough that I’m pretty sure I can go through with it, but apparently my subconscious has other ideas.

I hope that upping my meds will make me feel okay again. Once I get through the first two flights (on small-ish planes) I know I’ll be okay for the second two. Between now and then, though, I might be pretty miserable.

If anybody knows of any good resources that can help me to do some cognitive-behavioral-therapy-type stuff on myself, please share. Maybe I’ll go hang out at the airport a couple times, watch the planes take off. Rationally I understand that planes are extremely safe, but there’s something physical that goes on in my brain that triggers an anxiety reaction when I even half-think about a plane. Arrrrrrrgh.