Don’t feed the dog gravy.

Trimming hour-long video segments down to five-second clips in Windows Movie Maker takes WAY longer than you’d think it would. Teeee. Diiiiii. Ous. Not to mention bad for one’s wrist.

The beach + contact lenses = DISCOMFORT.

Saline solution and filthy saltwater spray are only distant cousins.

If you walk through the living room and see a box of apple cider powder packets on a low table, don’t think to yourself, “Man, it sure would suck if the puppy chewed those up all over the carpet,” and go back to cooking dinner. PICK UP THE BOX.

Though soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce are nearly the same color, they in fact differ in many nontrivial ways. For instance, soy sauce makes good fried rice.

The surface of one of the major streets near my apartment (Kirby) is a cracked, blistered, potholed mess and has been for years. It’s a pain.

In one particular spot, two whole pavement slabs are out of alignment, creating a 2-3 inch vertical ‘jump’ that spans the width of a lane. I’m almost certain this feature did not exist a week ago; I drive over that spot nearly every day and would surely have noticed.

Tuesday night I was driving home along Kirby (because that’s where the cupcakes are), and I came to the bump. I didn’t expect it, and it was dark, so I didn’t notice anything amiss and drove straight into the ridge at about 35 mph. OUCH. Shocks? Tires? Still there? You sure?

The best part was when a flash in the rear view mirror caught my eye, and I looked up just in time to see my right front hubcap fly through the air into the bushes. I probably should have stopped and fetched it right then, but I was still in shock and wasn’t inclined to go digging around in someone’s bushes at night. It’d probably still be there the next day, and if it wasn’t, meh. Walmart sells hubcaps for like fifteen bucks a set**.

Then last night I was driving home from work along the same route. I got to the spot and slowed waaaaaay down for the bump. Still jarring, but at least this time my teeth didn’t try to knock each other out of my head.

It was dark again, so I wasn’t planning on stopping to look for the hubcap, but then I saw it! My hubcap! Sitting right there in the middle of the sidewalk! So I pulled into a driveway marked “No Trespassing” and jogged back to pick it up.

When I got there, however, I was amused and disappointed to find that it bore the Toyota logo (my hubcaps are from Walmart—see footnote): amused because someone else had apparently suffered a similar fate, disappointed because I’d have to go poking around in the bushes in the dark after all.

It wasn’t until I set the Toyota hubcap down and looked around for a likely resting place for my own that I noticed the NINE OTHER HUBCAPS lined up along the fence. Clearly I was neither the first nor the last to underestimate the bump.

I went over to investigate, and sure enough, there was my missing hubcap. I grabbed it, then trotted back to pick up the Toyota “fresh kill” and set it at the end of the line. Give a little, take a little.

I was going to put the cap back on when I got home, but the bump actually bent the metal rim of my wheel. At least, I think it’s bent. Wheels are supposed to be round, no?

So now I’ve got a dirty hubcap in my trunk and a ghetto-fied car. Fabulous.

PSA: If you’ve recently driven on Kirby near Rice Village and are now missing a hubcap, you should check the fence across from the Shell station. If you were planning to walk around that area, don’t. Unless decapitation is your thing.

But seriously, to whom does one report these sorts of things? I know this street has always been a mess, but this is new and probably a violation of some sort of road safety code. It’s at best a nuisance and at worst dangerous. Anyone I can sue?

Oh, and before I forget, this whole episode led me to a new LESSON LEARNED:

Do not pick up a loose car part or two and then, half an hour later, forget that you have done so and attempt to put your contact back in. Grease + eye = BURNING.

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* Perhaps you’ve noticed that all of this happened before tonight. I started this post yesterday, then slacked off and got too sleepy to finish it. I’ve been bad at that lately—not going to bed on time. Boooo.

** The last time I drove out to California, two of my hubcaps came off before we got halfway across Texas. I think the people who rotated my tires snapped off the tabbies.

If you’re trying to get a loaf of HOT banana bread out of its HOT glass baking dish, don’t try to get all fancy and balance the whole thing upside-down on one potholdered hand while smacking the bottom with the other.

Just use two plates, like a sensible person would. Your tender, tender forearms will thank you.

Do not paint your toenails while sitting in grass. This is an especially bad idea if you plan to lie on your stomach in said grass. Unless you like the “scuffed” look. As I did, in eighth grade. Don’t judge me.

If, on returning from a nighttime walk, you notice that your apartment is unreasonably warm, especially considering the 50-degree “chill” outside, you should not chalk this up to “residual daytime heat” and spend the next three hours wondering why you can’t sleep. It’s much easier to just turn off the oven.

[Corollary: If you tend toward this sort of absent-mindedness, don't leave the fresh-baked cookies on top of the stove. They'll be hard as rocks come morning.]

Refried beans take very little time to heat up. By the time you finish rinsing the cutting board, they’ll have redistributed themselves across all six walls of the microwave.

But I’m not complaining—I went to the grocery store today. With a list. And then I cooked food. Real food, with vegetables. I’m such a grown-up.