1. I pulled a looooong strip of slimy black plastic out of John’s ear.

2. I saw a video of a transvestite eating plants off of a coral reef 20,000 feet below the ocean’s surface and sent it to everyone I knew. Then someone pointed out that the video must have been a joke because he/she wasn’t even wearing a scuba suit.

3. I had to drunkenly drive down a muddy mountain road in the middle of the night to catch a train to Belgium and save my dog. I took the corners off of a few houses in the process.

4. I stole a rental Lexus convertible that was clipped to the side of a bus and took it for a joy ride to find ice cream. I freaked out when a lady started shouting at me, but she only wanted to make sure my laptop had the most current updates.

5. I could flip time back and forth with a TiVo remote. This one was freaking awesome.

6. I was a boy, and my three sisters were being raped by my mortal enemy in a treehouse. I tried to shoot him through the walls but only ended up breaking lots of my sisters’ stuff and pissing them off.

7. My taiko group had a picnic and decided we were all going to learn to play clarinet instead.

8. I was in a costume factory showing Dooce how to rip the seams out of t-shirts when a horde of tiny white fluffy dogs swarmed in and we had to run for our lives.

9. I broke into the house of a guy who’d appeared to have been stalking me in a previous dream, to find that he’d been doing this for my whole life and had a huge stash of stuff I’d been throwing away since childhood. I took it all back and somehow befriended his family before he got home.

These are just tiny snippets of the events that have occupied my non-waking hours in the last week or so. I have vivid dreams, y’all. Every night. And I almost always remember them.

Tags: dreams, list, sleep

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